


Try to stay out of it

by Pink_Polenta



Series: The Adventures of Desmond [4]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, Hxlen, just try to stay out of it, still in denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-03 19:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5303684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pink_Polenta/pseuds/Pink_Polenta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor takes Clara and Mjun to Hxlen, a planet only populated by black people, Desmond is just an accessory.</p><p>Desmond also seems really shiny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. arrival of troubles

Clara made her way to the TARDIS. The Doctor had landed her on a children’s playground this time. She entered the TARDIS.

“Good morning, Doctor… and good morning, Desmond?”

She gave the Doctor a questioning look. She was quite sure that the Doctor still disliked Desmond.

“I invited Mjun, she refuses to go without him.”  
“Good morning Mjun.”

A snuffling noise came from Desmond’s shoulder, which happened to be the place where Mjun was sitting.

“She says: ‘good morning, Clara’”  
“You understood that?”  
“Yes.”  
“He’s right, he probably doesn’t understand her but he coincidentally got right what she said.”  
“I know some things, I know when she wants food, drink and when she greets someone.”

The Doctor sighed and looked back at Clara trying to ignore Desmond’s Desmondness. 

“So Clara, we’re going to Hxlen, remember I told you we would.”  
“How long did it take you to remember that?”  
“For you or for me?”  
“You know I mean for you.”  
“Not that long.”  
“Doctor you know a century is not long for you. So tell me.”  
“Who cares.”

The Doctor avoided the question by starting the TARDIS motors.

“Hxlen, is a very advanced planet with beautiful sky cities. They were one of the few races to develop time travel. They were actually allies of Gallifrey for a while. They didn’t join in the war though, this makes them the only old power to still be around.”  
“I am just going to stand here and nod like I understood that.”  
“I wasn’t talking to you Desmond… In short, Hxlen is a beautiful planet, but awfully bureaucratic.”  
“Scenic route, not getting involved in politics.”  
“Exactly.”  
“You mean you’re going to try?”  
“Desmond, didn’t I tell you to shut up?”  
“Well, no you didn’t. From what I’ve heard, you’re going to try to stay out of it all, but you’ll get mixed up in everything going on again.”  
“Shut up Desmond.”

The Doctor turned back around and pulled some levers. The TARDIS materialized on Hxlen in a docking bay, the Doctor really did try to keep it out of the spotlights, but that was not going to stay that way. They stepped out of the TARDIS and someone approached them. “Hello, my name is Tu’var who of you owns this ship?” “I do, The Doctor.” “Am I correct in assuming that that is a TARDIS type forty with a broken chameleon circuit?” “Yes, I am surprised you recognised it.” “Hxlen has a long history with Gallifrey, may I ask you how you came by a TARDIS, we believed all were destroyed in the war.” “I borrowed it.” “What war.” “Don’t mind him, he is bad at space history, failed all his tests on the subject in fact.” “OI” “If I am not mistaken he is a Vlegat, you can not blame him for not knowing things that happened before his species even dawned.” Tu’var seemed to read all these facts from a device in his hands. 


	2. The not-so-scenic route

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor, Clara and Desmond decide to take the scenic route on Hxlen

“It also seems that you are a Gallifreyan, Doctor.”  
“Not just a Gallifreyan, I actually passed my exams on the academy, thank you very much.”  
“I am surprised to see you, we on Hxlen thought that your species was extinct.”  
“Do me a favour and don’t shout it across the galaxy.”  
“You do understand that as a customs officer I have to note all these things.”  
“Great, a customs officer.”  
“What else did you think I was?”  
“Doesn’t matter, just get on with your bureaucratic nonsense.”  
“May I have your names, I already got The Doctor, what are you two called?”  
“Clara Oswin Oswald.”  
“Do you want my real name or the name I use?”  
“Real one please.”  
“Lisha Entlo Mackl.”  
“Thank you, do any of you have an intergalactic passport?”  
“No.”  
“Not even you, Doctor?”  
“I threw it into a black hole.”  
“That’s a definite no.”  
“So we have a Chronarch, a Human, and a Vlegat with no intergalactic passports in an outdated TARDIS.”  
“Outdated?!?! Wait what did you just call me?”  
“Type forty TARDISes were old even before the war. TARDISes as a whole were outdated before the war. Time rings are much more recent.”  
“She works just fine I’ll have you know.”  
“We are going to have to confiscate it to see if it’s still a safe mode of transportation.”  
“What?! I’ll have you know that she is still safe.”  
“We’ll see, also you will need to get some new passports. We can excuse the two but Doctor, you should know better.”  
“Why do you think I threw it into a black hole?”  
“Mr. Entlo Mackl and miss Oswald you will need to go to the first release, since these will be your first passports. Doctor you will have to go see if they will even allow you a new passport, Flying an outdated mode of transportation, which is possibly deadly and well, throwing out official documentation into a black hole, are some serious things.”  
“I told you you would be involved in this Doctor, you didn’t even try.”

A woman stepped into the room and looked around at what was going on. She checked the device and looked back up at Clara and Desmond.  
“Miss Oswald and mister Entlo Mackl? I’m Cus’ae, come with me and we’ll get you two sorted out. Tu’var, you are in charge of handling the Doctor.”  
“I’ll take care of him.”

\----------------------------------------------------------

A very annoyed Doctor followed Tu’var into a small, but beautifully decorated room.

“Please, sit.”  
“I rather stand.”  
“Suit yourself, Doctor.”

Tu’var sat down and opened a computer.

“I’ll look if we have some data on you, Doctor, if there is enough we can hand you a new intergallactic passport.”  
“Why did I even decide to go here.”  
“I’ll just ignore that.”

Tu’var typed some and looked surprised.

“It seems you got quite the record, Doctor. Your TARDIS’ record is almost just as long.”  
“What do I say to that? I’m just not as boring as you.”  
“Renegade, criminal, president, war hero, dead..”  
“What do I say to that? I don’t like being president, but I do like poncing around on the big plane.”  
“Plane?”  
“Forget it.”  
“But you were one twice, very peculiar. Most people who don’t want to be president don’t become one.”  
“They kind of made me, I also once trapped a time lord on earth because he posed as a monk, is that in there too?”  
“No, it isn’t. But your record is extensive enough for a new passport. But we have to clear up one thing first, if possible.”  
“What could it be?”  
“Dead?”  
“Yeah, I like being dead, it’s nice and peaceful.”  
“Please be serious.”  
“I am serious, now I’m not being pursued by every race in the universe.”  
“Taking your history and situation into consideration, I’ll only update the Hxlen data for now. I’ll file a request to keep this from the universal eye.”  
“But I take it I don’t actually get to stay dead?”  
“That’ll depend on the high court. If your situation is dire enough, you will be given a variant of witness protection.”  
“So I don’t, I have a few lives left so they’ll probably think it’s not dire so I’ll be alive again.”  
“That is another thing, which regeneration is this? We have nine different regenerations on record, but we have no records from after the war”  
“Well,fourteen”  
“How did you pass the thirteen max?”  
“I got a new regeneration cycle, so, I’ll be around for a while. That’s why they’re not going to see it as dire.”  
“I am still required to file the request. But you’re saying that the whispers from Trenzalore are true? Gallifrey is still somewhere out there? Only Time Lords can grant another regeneration cycle.”  
“I kind of locked Gallifrey in a single point in time, sort of like a stasis cube, so it’s somewhere. Don’t know where but somewhere.”  
“This is great news for Hxlen. We would be very interested into trading with Gallifrey again. Both intellectually and physical goods.”  
“You just want to get your bureaucratic friends back.”  
“Gallifrey and Hxlen were good allies. Our position in the galactic council hasn’t been as strong since the war. The other Temporal Powers disagree with us a lot. Nothing has been the same since President Romanadvoratrelundar had to step down. I mean the free time-”  
“I liked Fred but I’m not interested, just get on with your business.”


	3. The un-killing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know, when they think you're dead and they un-kill you, yeah it sucks.

Cus’ae lead Desmond and Clara into a room which was much less decorated than the room the Doctor was in, but it was still beautiful. There was a sofa in the middle of the room. It looked a lot like a waiting room.

“Sit down, mister Entlo Mackl. Miss Oswald, please follow me into the next room.”

It was a waiting room.

“Do I get to lay down on the sofa? I still don’t know sofa etiquette.”  
“Sit on it? What do you do on Thesmos?”  
“Sit. I just wanted to know if it was normal here, there’s a lot of weird stuff, like anything humans do.”  
“You can do whichever is comfortable to your culture. We get many visitors on Hxlen, we’re used to seeing different customs.”  
“Okay.”

He grabbed Mjun out of his pocket and put her on his head.

“Now we wait Mjun.”  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------

“Okay miss Oswald, sit down please.”  
Qus’ae said as she herself sat down at the desk.

“This won’t take long. Your full name is Clara Oswin Oswald, correct?”  
“Yes, it is.”  
“You’re human?”  
“Yes.”  
“Marital status?”  
“Unmarried, single whichever you need to hear.”  
“Unmarried. Age?”  
“What year is it on earth? Then I’ll know.”  
“Age from your point of view.”  
“28 earth years.”  
“Date of birth? You can give us the Earth date, we can recalculate it.”  
“23 November 1986.”  
“Could you place your hand on the black square.”  
“Okay.”

Clara looked at the woman and placed her hand on the square. 

“What is this for?”  
“DNA- and handprint.”  
“You need my DNA?”  
“It’s only customary. No better way to identify someone. Could you now please look over there.”

She pointed at a spot on the wall. Clara nodded and looked at the spot on the wall the woman had pointed out to her.

“Now we have a facial of you. I assume you were born on Earth?”  
“You assume correctly.”  
“That’ll be it. We are now able to extract any further information from Earth data.”  
“Okay so, what now?”  
“You may return to the waiting room and send in mister Entlo Mackl.”

Clara stood up and went back to the waiting room. She looked at Desmond who had actually lied down on the sofa.

“Desmond, you can go in. Don’t worry it’s nothing bad.”  
“Alright.”

He jumped up and walked into the office with Mjun still sitting on his head.

“Hello mister Entlo Mackl, if you’d sit down.”  
“Right.. Please call me Desmond.”

Desmond did as he was told and sat down.

“We will use your real name for the passport. So, your full name is Lisha Entlo Mackl?”  
“Yes, but my stage name is Desmond. I’m pretty used to being called Desmond…”  
“You are Vlegat is that right?”  
“Yes.. How do you call someone from Hxlen?”  
“You do not need to know this at this time. Do you still reside on Thesmos?”  
“No, I currently live on Earth. I might not need to know what you are called, but I want to know.”  
“You can want a lot, but that has no ground. Marital status?”  
“Unmarried and ready to mingle. But please?”  
“Listen, You are acting like a little child, act like an adult for now and I’ll tell you when we’re done here okay? Age.”  
“Fifteen.”  
“Okay. Date of birth?”  
“Deta veertien 3012  
“Okay, now could you place your hand on this black square?”  
“Why?”  
“It’s for your handprint and DNA. It’s to identify you.”  
“Alright.”

He placed his hand on the square.

“Now can you look there?”

She pointed at the spot on the wall again.

“Why?”  
“It’s so we can get a facial of you to put on the passport.”  
“Wait hold on, I need to make sure I look good.”

Desmond grabbed a mirror from his pocket and put his hair right. When he was satisfied he looked at the spot.

“Now last question, were you born on Thesmos?”  
“Yes, born and raised by my mum. Love her. I should send her a letter.”  
“Okay that will do, now have you got any questions?”  
“How do you call someone from Hxlen? And, where can I buy postcards?”  
“We from Hxlen are the Veakhem, and I don’t think those exist.”  
“What? Why don’t you have postcards? You have tourism right?”  
“I’m sure they existed someday, but they’re a bit primitive.”  
“Do you know what I can send to my mum?”  
“How would I know what to send to your mother?”  
“What do you use instead of postcards?”  
“We have a planet wide instant messaging system.”  
“I’ll get a postcard from Earth then. One with loads of green.”  
“You do that, Now the Ekanstac you have on your head needs a passport too.”  
“Pets need passports too?”  
“intergalactic passports are for all sentient species throughout the universe.”  
“I knew she was smart, but that smart?”

Mjun slapped Desmond in the face with her tail.

“Ow.”

Qus’ae asked all the same questions to Mjun directly. Desmond was impressed by the fact that his pet was apparently recognised as a sentient species and could actually answer all of the questions. When all the information had been put in Mjun crawled back into Desmond’s hair.

“So when will we get our passports? Also is there a place where I can follow a course in Ekanstactic?”  
“of course there is, and you could probably do that while you wait for your passports.”  
“Yay!”  
“You may leave now we’ll contact you once you can pick up your passports.”  
“Okay.”

Desmond stood and left.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

“So that means: Could you open the door please?”

Desmond was sitting on a table, buried into a book on Ekanstactic language.

Mjun was crawling over the book and making all kinds of happy sounds to Desmond so he’d know he was right. Clara was sitting near Desmond to make sure he wouldn’t accidentally kill himself in his excitement about being able to communicate with his pet. Clara had to sometimes push him back onto the table because he had fallen over. After a while of this the Doctor appeared.

“So you made it out alive?”  
“I don’t know yet, they had to do all their bureaucratic stuff before they can tell me if I did or not.”  
“They’re going to kill him?”  
“No they’re not going to kill me, quite the opposite. They might tell everyone I’m alive.”  
“But you are?”  
“Yes I am but technically I’m not alive.”  
“Do I even want to know?”  
“It’s not a pretty story, but I’d rather be dead.”  
“I can help you with that.”  
“Not like that. Like it’s now. Since no one expects me to be alive, I don’t get pursued by every single race in the universe.”  
“That is rather nice.”  
“Officially I’m not even supposed to be alive.”  
“This is confusing so I’m just going to forget it and continue with this.”

Desmond waved his book in The Doctor’s face.

“Have fun with that.”  
“Oh yeah, Doctor, do you have any idea on something I could send my mum from Hxlen? Because the woman was not helpful at all.”  
“There is a souvenir shop if you take a left and then a right.”  
“Okay two things, No money and no postcards.”

The Doctor reached into one of his infinite pockets and pulled out a wallet.

“I don’t trust your pockets, you nearly got me locked up with those pockets.”  
“Well then you won’t get this wallet with Hxlen money.”  
“Just give it to me before you shred it too.”  
“okay okay.”

The Doctor handed Desmond the money and sat down next to Clara as Desmond jumped off of the table and ran toward the store.

“How did it really go?”  
“Well what I said, plus that I kind of confessed that I got a new regeneration cycle, which will probably make it so they see my situation as not dire enough to stay dead.”  
“Ah, did they ask about Gallifrey?”  
“Yes, I also said I locked it in a single point in time, they’re probably going to look for it.”  
“That is good, right?”  
“Well, yes and no. Of course I’d like for Gallifrey to be a thing again but they’re still a bunch of boring bureaucrats, do you really think the universe needs two planets like that?”  
“Maybe they’ll keep each other busy.”  
“Maybe, there’s also the problem that you don’t want more time lords showing up everywhere, I mean they’re like me, But really much more boring and who wants that?”  
“I don’t really know what to vision with that.”


	4. On the subject of free time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the older enemy's of The Doctor and Gallifrey as a whole makes it's return.

“Is this a bobble head?”  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I am looking for a souvenir.. This is the souvenir shop right?”

The door opened again and the woman he had been talking to pulled him behind a sofa.

“Why did you do that? Who are you?”  
“Shhh”

She held her hand in front of Desmond’s mouth. Two people walked through the door and one of them closed the door behind them. Desmond tried to talk but her hand was still in front of his mouth so he did what he heard people on earth do in situations like this and he licked her hand. She didn’t react to it at all. Desmond decided that it must be just an Earth thing.

“Are you sure we are alone? The door was unlocked when we entered.”  
“I’m sure, why would anyone be in here?”  
“Some people mistake this for the souvenir shop.”  
“Exactly, I know there’s a lot of tourism, but if they come to a whole other planet why would they have need for souvenirs? they’d be more intelligent.”  
“Well, there is a souvenir shop on the other side of the road. But we came here for a reason.”  
“Yeah, I’m assuming you haven’t heard yet, but Gallifrey is not actually destroyed, I thought you’d like to know. It’s backed up by the fact that we have a TARDIS in custody and a time lord is actually on the planet.”  
“That’s entirely possible, time travel is a thing remember?”  
“Well that would be an issue, if he hadn’t said that it’s still there. Also it’s the Doctor…”  
“We need to keep this information from spreading. Our best bet is to eliminate everyone who knows and remove the data. The return of Gallifrey would be disastrous for the free time movement. Have you seen what the current regeneration of the Doctor looks like and if he’s travelling with anyone? We also need to get rid of his TARDIS. It’s a symbol for Gallifrey for everyone with half a brain.”  
“Well, his current regeneration is older, he’s grey-haired and you’ll know it when you see him. He’s travelling with a human and a vlegat of all things. The vlegat will be really easy to spot. He’s so white he reflects sunlight. The woman is probably with him. She’s younger so if you see an older man with a younger woman, you’ve found them. I’ll go prepare the destruction of the TARDIS, but I will make sure he’s not made public as being alive again.”  
“Thank you, Tu’var. For free time?”  
“I’ll make sure everything gets done. For free time.” 

With those words they left. The woman removed her hand from Desmond’s mouth and stood. Desmond got up too and stared around. 

“Blondie, I think you should go warn someone.”  
“And who are you?”  
“I am from the Hxlen secret service. I have been tasked with finding any free time terrorists on Hxlen and bring them to justice. Now go and warn them. I’ll get the official side done.”

Desmond ran out of the store and back to the place where he had last seen Clara and the Doctor, but of course they weren’t there. He looked around for any indication on where they could have gone but found nothing. 

“Mjun you saved my life a lot of times, care to save me again? This is really urgent.”  
“Snuff snuff frrrr.” 

Desmond grabbed his book and found the meaning of what Mjun had just said. He hit himself over the head when he saw what it meant.

“Thanks Mjun, I’m so stupid why hadn’t I thought of that?”

He grabbed his phone and called Clara.

“Hello?”  
“Clara! Where are you?”  
“The souvenir shop, we went looking for you.”  
“Of course. you didn’t see me run back I take it. stay there, hide, I’ll be there soon.”  
“Hide? Wha-”

Desmond ended the call and ran back toward the souvenir shop. He ran as fast as he could, hoping he was still on time. He didn’t know what was going to happen, but surely it couldn’t be good. He jumped into the actual souvenir shop and nearly tripped through the doorway

“Doctor, something is wrong.”

The Doctor was burried in an old book he found in the store, obviously not listening to Desmond. 

“Clara!”

Desmond yelled this as he catapulted himself towards Clara who caught him just before he smashed into a bookshelf with a layer of dust on it.

“Desmond, Desmond, calm down.”  
“They're going to kill us.”

His voice was very high pitched, out of breath and hysterical.

“Desmond, I told you once they’re going to do quite the opposite to me.”

The Doctor said this as he was still looking at the book, not bothering to even look up.

“No, no, no. I heard them talking, Tu’var and some other guy, they don’t want Gallifrey to come back! And need to kill us for that for some reason. I don’t really understand why but I DON’T WANT TO DIE.”  
“Don’t shout Desmond.”  
“Well, I don’t completely know what was going on but they were talking about having free time or something.”

At this declaration the Doctor looked up from his book and threw it across the room. As the Doctor threw the book across the shop they finally got a reaction from the shopkeeper. It wasn’t a big reaction but the old man with his thick glasses finally opened his mouth to say something but instead he just put another piece of candy into his toothless pie hole because he was certain whatever he had said it would not have mattered.

“The Free Time? I thought they were history?”  
“I also met someone who was looking for them, secret service or something.”  
“They were one of the main things that lead up to the Time War.”  
“So what are they, like terrorists or something?”  
“Yes, Clara got it”  
“Hey! I was about to say that...”  
“But you didn’t.”  
“They were also planning on destroying the TARDIS.”  
“What did you just say?”  
“They’re going to destroy the TARDIS?”

The Doctor jumped up from his seat and just started heading off somewhere without telling either of them where he was going. Clara and Desmond looked at one another and ran after him. The Doctor ran to the docks where he had left the TARDIS. It was gone. The Doctor ran off again, this time to find someone to complain to about the fact that they were probably going to take apart the TARDIS.


	5. Worse than the captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor thinks he knows the most annoying person in the universe, while in reality, the one he meets here is even worse.

“You, I want to make a complaint.”  
“Sir, I’m just trying to get home, I have no idea why you would come to me to make a complaint.”  
“Where can I find the person with evening duty. No, hold on, that’s not a custom officer’s uniform.”  
“No I’m not a custom’s officer, but you can probably find someone around here who is .”  
“Where is the custom’s officer’s office?”  
“You haven’t noticed you’re standing right next to it?”  
“Thank you.”

The Doctor ran into the building and left the man very confused. When Clara and Desmond came by they knew the Doctor had to be around there somewhere around there.

“Where is the man who made you as confused as you are?”  
“He went into the Custom’s office.”  
“Thank you.”

Clara grabbed Desmond and went inside. There they found the Doctor shouting at a man who had probably nothing to do with anything. This was made certain by the fact that during the shouting this man seemed to just get more and more scared of the Doctor, but that probably just had to do with his face.

“Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about, weren’t all TARDIS destroyed.”

When the man said this the Doctor started shouting even louder. Clara shoved the cards back into the Doctor’s hand. She had written a new one. The Doctor looked at it for a second.

“I apologize for however angry I might seem because of this face, but I can’t handle life without my TARDIS and… wait a minute Clara this doesn’t make sense.”  
“It does to the rest of the universe. So continue reading.”  
“Bla bla bla TARDIS and the expression just came with the face. Now can you please just help me because I don’t want to lose her.”  
“Y-you are looking for a TARDIS?”  
“Not just a TARDIS. My TARDIS”

The Doctor started getting angry again.

“What type?”  
“40.”  
“Any other specifications?”  
“It’s BLUE”

He typed something.  
“Our data says it’s awaiting destruction.”  
“DESTRUCTION?!?!”

Clara pushed another card into his hands.

“I find this extremely upsetting. Is there any way to stop this?”  
“Well you can appeal that the dismantling doesn’t progress so it can not be destroyed.”  
“How many forms do I have to sign?”  
“Well just these, can I have your intergalactic passport number?”  
“Sausages.”  
“What is that supposed to mean?”  
“I threw my intergalactic passport into a black hole, I am awaiting a new one, which probably wont come, since the person who is supposed to give me it is in on the WHOLE THING”  
“Mine and Desmond’s probably will come. So if I sign it, the dismantling will be stopped sooner.”  
“Well the appeal will probably be thrown out because it’s not your ship.”  
“I got a key, so I’m technically a co-flyer.”  
“I never thought you could think so bureaucratically, Clara.”  
“It can be solved easily, Does the TARDIS have your imprints on the briode nebuliser?”  
“Luckily that is one of the things I did fix.”  
“Well does it have her imprints?”  
“Well, I didn’t exactly get around to that yet.”  
“You imprinted the key.”  
“That would officially make the key a co-pilot, not you.”  
“Can a key sign papers?”  
“No but she can’t either because she’s not officially recognised by the ship.":  
" That was a really weird idea Desmond.”  
“I meant that the key is imprinted with my DNA and the key is technically part of the TARDIS.”  
“Then you can probably sign the papers, but first I need your intergalactic passport number.”  
“Can’t you send in a form that speeds up the application for the passport so I can sign them then?”  
“Yes I can.”

He typed and opened an new file.

“You need to put your hand on the black square.”

She placed her hand on the black square and sighed.

“I’ll be glad when all of this is over.”  
“And that’s why you do not also want a whole planet of time lords around either.”  
“Time Lords? They are extinct, sir.”  
“Of course they are, let’s keep it that way then.”  
“But-”  
“Shut up, Desmond. You’re starting to remind me of Steve.”  
“Please don’t compare me to Steve, I’d like to think I’m at least better than Steve.”  
“Boys.”  
“Sorry, but I don’t care about the insults, but that’s really mean.”

Clara gave the Doctor another card.

“I’m sorry, really Clara, that is a lie. You always tell me lying is not nice.”  
“It’s called a white lie.”  
“I don’t care what colour the lie is, you keep telling me I shouldn’t.”  
“I give up.”

All of a sudden they were interrupted by a laser beam which just hit a little bit of Desmond’s hair. When he noticed he got ‘hit’ Desmond started screaming at once and dove under the desk.

“THEY’RE HERE TO KILL US.”  
“Brilliant assessment of the situation.”

Mjun crawled out of Desmond’s pocket.

“Snuff frrrr snuf snuff”

Desmond looked in his book and back at Mjun.

“YOU WERE SLEEPING THIS ENTIRE TIME.”  
“Ruff.”

Another beam came through the wall.

“I resign.”  
“At least help us because they’re probably here to kill us.”

At that moment the door swung open and Desmond recognised the person in the door to be the woman who had pulled him down, the secret agent person who never properly introduced herself.

“I’m here to save you, blondie.”

She winked at Desmond and started shooting back at their attackers.

“You better get running, I’ll open a door ahead, get in it, I’ll be with you shortly to explain the situation.”

She did all kinds of heroic and awesome spy things only comparable to James Bond. They ran ahead and a door opened so they jumped into the room and the door closed. They totally forgot the custom officer, who was underneath his desk in fetus position.

“So these are your friends, blondie?”

She looked at Clara and the Doctor, giving Clara an extra wide grin.

“My name is Desmond, not blondie.”  
“I know your name isn’t blondie, but come on, it’s really distinguishing about you. I could have also chosen to call you shiny.”  
“Whaaaaat.”  
“Who are you anyway and why are you helping us?”  
“Well grumpy, I’m Yv’im I’m a Hxlen Secret service agent, I was tasked with finding out information on the free time movement, but I am multi-applicable.”

Another wink and flirty smile in Clara’s direction.

“You remind me of someone.”  
“Who?”  
“Someone called Captain Jack Harkness.”  
“O, him, I haven’t seen him in ages.”  
“I am not surprised that you two know one another.”  
“You two are The Doctor and Clara, right?”  
“Yes.”  
“Good. Then I didn’t accidentally rescue the wrong people. Follow me, I’ll take you to the place where you can get your passports, the forms to sign will be ready for you there. Then while you sign the forms, I’ll take out Tu’var and Dent’cor.”  
“Thank you, now Doctor, for once, do what you’re told to do.”  
“But.”  
“No buts!”

Yv’im shouted this and then immediately smiled at the Doctor.

“Although you do have a nice one.”  
“I take it back you’re worse than captain Jack.”  
“I’ll take that as a compliment. Now come on.”

In another bit of James Bond esque running they ended up in a room like they had been in for their intergalactic passport applications.

“Just go and ask for your passports and the forms, I’m sorry you don’t get one Doctor, Tu’var never put your application through. I have to go, try to make it quick.”

She ran away again. The three of them entered the office.

“How can I help you?”  
“MORE BUREAUCRACY!!!”

In that moment Clara facepalmed because she noticed she forgot the cards in the other office when they had to run.


	6. convenient Dismantling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you can not handle swearing, in either normal earth-ways and over the top sci-fi ways, don't read this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heed our warning

“Good evening, Del’aviv.”  
“Eving, Ylk’bar. I hate evening duty.”  
“Me too.”

Del’aviv and Ylk’bar were two supervisors looking over the disassembling of a type 40 TARDIS. They were both drinking a dark energising drink which was definitely not coffee, this is not Earth.

“Did you ever expect to see a TARDIS?”  
“No, they were outdated ages ago, I thought they were all out of working order and in museums or destroyed.”  
“Then again, those museums were only on Gallifrey, which is gone anyways.”  
“I heard someone actually flew it here. Can you believe that?”  
“If I may believe the files, with so many defective parts it’s a miracle it’s even working.”   
“Oi, you there, that’s supposed to be filed under Dekt, not Eldo.”  
“Sorry I’ll make it right immediately.”  
“You better.”

He said as he sipped his drink. It’s called oovand, by the way, the drink.

“So, How are your kids doing?”  
“Brilliant! Quia’aviv is doing so well at playing the laser harp.”  
“That’s great, I know she didn’t even start that long ago.”  
“I know! How is Tock’bar?”  
“Oh, he’s marvelous, He’s all better now and I’m glad he is, he’s been sick for so long.”  
That’s good to hear and-”

“STOP THE DISASSEMBLING.”

Out of nowhere a grey haired man came bursting through the door.

“What’s going on?”  
“Check your office message account.”

Del’aviv picked up a device and opened the account.

“He’s right. Everyone stop what you’re doing, someone succesfully appealed the destruction of this TARDIS.”  
“Ahwww”  
“Shut up ste’eve.”  
“frr frr snuff.”

Desmond looked in his book.

“Yes, it is indeed very improbable.”  
“If I had said that you would have told me to shut up.”  
“Shut up, Desmond.”  
“Case and point. Boop”

Desmond said that Boop as he touched the Doctor’s nose.

“What are you even doing? Fucking hell…. Shit.”  
“I saw some people do that on earth. Wait! Clara said you don’t swear, ever.”  
“They dismantled the fucking censorship circuit.”  
“Oh…”

By the time they were done talking the entire dismantling crew including the two supervisors had disappeared. Leaving them alone with all the TARDIS pieces outside the TARDIS.

“This is going to take fucking ages to repair, God damn it.”

Before the Doctor could even pick up any of the parts strewn about, they were interrupted yet again.

“Doctor, before you start on this, you have to come and give your testimony of what happened.”  
“Fucking bureaucracy.”  
“Just come with me okay, leave these two here to guard her.”

She handed Clara her gun with a wink.

“Could you stop winking at me?”  
“No, not really.”  
“She’s doing it to piss me off.”  
“But, you’re attractive as well.”

The Doctor grumbled a bit under his breath and Yv’im smiled.

“Just come on and we’ll sort out everything.”

He followed her to the office where he had to give his testimony, after a rant about being: ‘Bloody fucking done with all those fucking offices.’ He sat down and told the officer behind the desk the story of how they tried to keep quiet but of course they had the luck to be helped by someone who is affiliated with the free time movement. He explained everything that came after. When he was done he was led back to the TARDIS, Desmond was to give his testimony next. On the way the TARDIS The Doctor passed Tu’var. He was bound to a chair, apparently the forms to move him to a cell had not been filled in yet.

“There you fucking are, you little tit on a stick. You thought you could fucking seperate me from my TARDIS and then do me in like yesterday's fashion. Go burn in the third sun of the Halifarel solar   
system you son of three loose women from Dercan.”  
“You know exactly why I did it and you know I’d quickly do it again. Do you not realise that you’re one of the most dangerous things going about this universe, as was that planet of yours!”  
“So you better shut the shit hole you call your mouth, because the most dangerous man in the fucking universe wants you to live in the swamps of Alikarx.”  
“You know I’m not alone in this right? Free time is bigger than ever, the loss of me is not going to stop them.”  
“But they got a good fucking warning.”  
“Don’t you worry about it, we’re with more than we’ve ever been. Now we know gallifrey is not lost we’re trying to find it and make sure it never comes back. I also made sure, that this second, throughout the whole universe, it is being broadcasted that you’re still alive. Everyone will be after you again, they’ll gladly help us take you down.”  
“For fucks sake.”  
“Sir, please?”  
“Yeah, yeah. Fuck you Tu’var.”  
“For free time!”

And with that The Doctor left to rebuilt the TARDIS.


	7. Where is home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short epilogue in which one of us tried to be deep and the other laughed.

Somewhere on a beautiful balcony, Clara and Desmond were looking at the Sky city that lay below them. It was hot and air was blowing through Desmond’s hair, which gave quite a pretty picture. Then Clara realised that no wind was blowing through her hair. She was just hot.

“Where is that wind coming from?”

Desmond turned a little to reveal a Thesmonian version of a handfan, which looked a lot like a pinwheel little kids play with.Behind them the doors to the balcony opened, Yv’im joined them.

“Come inside, the party is great.”  
“I’d rather take a break from today if you don’t mind of course.”  
“But I do mind!”

With that she pulled Clara inside and started dancing with her. Desmond turned to look at Mjun (who was on his head, so this didn’t really work).

“That just leaves us, then.”

He gave Mjun a jelly baby and took one for himself as well.

“We’re going to have to start eating the green ones sometime, I’m sure they’re not going to kill us.”

Desmond looked back up at the sky and sighed.

“So Mjun, Which way is home you think?”  
\-----------

Meanwhile in the TARDIS:

“Fuck, shit, fuckery fuck fuck, oh my giddy aunt. Ahhhh fixed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any ideas on where the Doctor and Desmond should go or do next? Please contact us when we're not entirely high on eighties music

**Author's Note:**

> we're still in denial about the events of 'facing the raven' even though 'Heaven sent' opened up a complete story for us.


End file.
